“You Don’t Look Autistic!”
- Brandon Kirkwood
- Aug 13
- 2 min read
Updated: Sep 15
Why This Comment Can Keep People From Understanding Themselves
You’ve probably heard it before—or maybe you’ve even said it: “You don’t look autistic.”It often comes from a place of kindness, meant as reassurance. But beneath the surface, it carries a message that can have lasting consequences—especially for people who might be wondering if they’re autistic themselves.
The Hidden Message Behind the Words
When someone hears “you don’t look autistic,” what’s implied is:
Autism has a certain “look” or presentation.
If you don’t match that look, you must not be autistic.
These assumptions aren’t just inaccurate—they can be harmful. They reinforce narrow, outdated stereotypes of autism: often white, male, visibly awkward, or portrayed in a way that’s disconnected from real life.
How This Shapes Self-Perception
For someone who’s been quietly wondering if they might be autistic, comments like this can shut the door before it’s even opened.They might think:
“I don’t fit that image, so I must be wrong.”
“If no one else sees it, maybe I’m just imagining things.”
“I don’t want to bring it up again and risk being dismissed.”
This can delay self-realization, keep people from seeking an assessment, or make them doubt their lived experiences. In some cases, it means going years or even decades without the validation and support a diagnosis can bring.
The Problem With “The Autistic Look”
Autism doesn’t have a single presentation. It exists across all genders, races, cultures, and personalities. Some autistic people’s differences are more visible; others mask traits so well that their struggles stay hidden.
When we tie autism to a certain look, we make it harder for people, especially women, people of color, and those who’ve learned to mask to recognize themselves in the diagnosis.
If You’ve Said This Before
It’s not about shame; it’s about learning. A better way to respond when someone shares their diagnosis or wonders about it might be:
“Thanks for telling me.”
“What has your experience been like?”
“I’d like to understand more.”
These responses invite conversation instead of closing it off.
If You’ve Heard This Before
If someone has dismissed your self-understanding, know that their perception isn’t the truth of your experience. You are the expert on your own mind. Exploring your identity (whether that leads to a formal diagnosis or not) is valid and worthwhile.
At Intersect Clinical Services, we work with neurodivergent clients and those exploring the possibility of being autistic. We understand how stigma, stereotypes, and casual comments can shape self-understanding. If you’re ready to explore your identity in a space that believes you, we’re here.
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